A kayak trip

I went kayaking in Lake Ontario the other day.

Because I always mix canoeing and kayaking together, I thought I had done this before. Turns out, I hadn't. That was canoeing.

I didn't really know what to expect, perhaps a little leisurely kayak near the harb(u)rfront. Next thing I know, one of the kayakers in the group was seasick and another had to paddle back to avoid getting hit by a ferry.

I did my best to follow the one rule we were told we must follow, which is to avoid the big white buoys that belong to the nearby island airport. The importance of this really hit me while I was paddling in the middle of the lake, awfully close to a sign that read "Caution, low flying planes overhead" and another that said something along the lines of "Keep away. Avoid criminal prosecution."

My kayak trip - which turned out to be about three hours long - also involved directions to steer right to avoid a booze cruise and later steer left to avoid a yacht.

When we arrived to the more peaceful and quiet side of the island, my fellow kayakers immediately started munching on granola bars they had carefully stored in Ziploc bags and drank out of gigantic Evian water bottles they skillfully strapped to the front of their boats.

Needless to say, I was not so prepared. So I spent most of my time trying to avoid bird shit from above, as a number of birds kept using their feces as artillery, clearly a result of feeling threatened by a group of adults in orange vests and banana-shaped boats.

After proudly returning without bird poop or a criminal indictment, we were treated to a BBQ. One of our kayak experts instantly transformed himself into a BBQ expert. With his life jacket still on, he traded his paddle for BBQ tongs and got to work.

I took this time to observe fellow paddlers from my group, which included a man who wore a Crocodile Dundee hat and a shirt full of pictures of trees. I was convinced that any minute, he would leave the burger line and start hugging trees, but I was wrong.

I, with my ass still soaked from kayaking, stayed in the line and got toasted buns.