Canadian dogs have better health care than Canadians

Macleans, Canada's news magazine, is currently displaying some fine journalism with a dog pictured on the cover and the headline: "National outrage: your dog can get better health care than you."

It goes on to give all kinds of helpful information, such as how long it will take you to see your oncologist compared to how much Poodles would have to wait. The article really brings the point home with the headline: "Need to see a specialist fast? Too bad you're not a dog."

Canadian news anchors have reported this piece with their own gems, delivering one-liners such as "Ever wonder how long it would take you to see a doctor if you were a dog?"

Why yes, how did you know?! There isn't a day that goes by when this thought doesn't cross my mind.

Maybe this is what a slow news day is like in Canada, aka post-hockey season? I couldn't even get past the first graph, but I wouldn't be surprised if they also did a U.S. comparison, like they do for everything - such as how a New York retriever may fare compared to one in Ontario?

This is journalism at its best. Like a good piece of reporting, it makes me question and analyze things around me. So I must go now to ponder if I should turn into a dog in order to get better health care.

Goooooooo (insert Canadian sports team here)!!!!

Canadians love their sports teams.

In my short stay here, I have already been to several Raptors (aka 'Raps') games and a Blue Jays game. (That's basketball and baseball, folks). The picture above is a real cake made by a real friend here during the recent basketball playoffs.

They don't screw around with this stuff. Tickets sales for sporting events here are taken as seriously as cocaine sales. I'm giving a scalping career serious thought.

In addition to the basketball playoffs, there were hockey playoffs going on as well and from what I understand, the Canadian teams did crappy in both. Considering how much people are into their sports teams here, I wouldn't be surprised if the suicide rate skyrocketed following the playoffs. Or maybe it won't because a new team in town - FC Toronto (soccer), another crappy Toronto team, has started its season.

I enjoy watching these games as they present rare opportunities to see large groups of people in Toronto at the same time. They also typically entail other things I enjoy, such as beer. I rarely know what's going on in the actual game or who the best players are, although I am willing to bet No. 20 on the Chicago White Sox has the best ass.

I'm also not deeply affected by any losses - my biggest disappointments tend to be when Raptors don't score 100 points or the Blue Jays don't get 7 strikeouts and I can't claim my ticket stub for a Pizza Pizza slice. Other disappointments include finding out the price of beers during these events and realizing it's still too damn cold in May for the Sky Dome roof to come down so I can catch some sun.

"Toronto is not New York"

Condo developers here pretend they are in New York by stealing New York names, but a lot of Torontonians don't. With their trademark modesty and self-deprecating sense of humor, Canadians are quick to point out things like "Toronto is not New York."

No shit.

Yet over and over, they keep giving me this line, as if they are saving me from years of work, telling me a secret that would have taken me decades to discover or revealing a mystery only they have solved.

In the ladies' room recently, a girl told me: "You came from New York?! Girl, what are you doing here? Toronto's not New York."

When I went to the pharmacy and explained what prescription I had in New York, the pharmacist said: "Why did you come here? I mean, Toronto is the New York of Canada, but it's no New York."

Once again, thanks for the tip.

For a minute there I got confused, with the CN Tower resembling the Empire State so much. Why, I thought the Empire State just lost some weight. And that white thing is the Sky Dome? Gosh darn it, I thought that was the newest club in the Meatpacking district! And when I noticed it was a little chillier up here, I simply thought I fell asleep on the 6 train and went too far north.

Or maybe it was that new condo with the Soho sign that tricked me into thinking I was on Spring Street. Fooled me! Thank god the friendly Canucks are here to clarify my confusion.